From The Mailbag: Virgin Territory

The Dicknotist still lives. I told you I'd still be here to answer questions. I thought it'd be of great value to all of you to break down another guy's seduction.

Let call this reader, "Tommy."

Hey man, long time no talk. Took me a while, but I'm finally living the college life. Some pretty amazing things have happened since our last correspondence. It all started with me leaving the "community" and just following my instincts. Really glad I did, because I made more friends, had more fun, and I finally lost my v-card.

Can't stop there though. Right now I would really appreciate some sound advice on my situation. I know you're technically out of the game, but you're the only person I know who isn't blinded by community or mainstream rhetoric.

Met this chick over the summer and basically clicked right away. Spent the entire summer text-flirting, but never saw each other since the night we met until this past weekend.

I wish I could preface this with a transcript of the texts, but that’d take too long. In short, she gave me multiple IOI’s right off the bat and made a few SOI’s during the flirting phase. Actually scratch that. She basically threw herself at me via text. Yet, we still managed to drop out of touch for the second half of summer and the better part of the semester.

Anyway, she texts me over Thanksgiving break inviting me to a party in the ghetto part of town. I was bored as fuck, so I went. Super awkward at first. I called her and waited 5 minutes on the front porch before she finally let me in. People there turned out to be real chill and I got pretty drunk and high.

She and I spent a good amount of time fluffing, and soon after that I went off to mingle with the other guests. Later on that night I make fun of her because her eyes were red as fuck. Of course, I was high at the time, and she called me out on my own red eyes instantly.

We go into the bathroom together to get some Visine in our eyes, and she starts bitching about how people can see her bra because her shirt’s too low. Being the retard that I am, I just said “so fix it.” So she fixes it and then pulls her shirt AND her bra down even lower. Naturally I had to make fun of the irony. Again, she calls me out on my shit, so I respond with “yea truth be told, I very much appreciate the cleavage.” After that there was like a 5-second staring contest before we kissed.

After we were done I could tell she was starting freak out a little. Why else would you tell a guy you just kissed to "act normal"? I was too high to really be mindful of/give a shit about the situation, so I just shrugged it off and went back to the party.

At the end of the night, I'm sober, so I ask her how she’ll get home. Her response: “no idea where I’m staying. Maybe your place…” As if she didn’t drop enough blatantly forward hints already, this one I finally caught. So I take her back and the entire drive home she was all over me. Very distracting. I think I’d have driven better drunk lol. But at least I was able to CF with her during the drive.

So we get back to my place, and as I’m cleaning up, she’s already half-passed out in my bed still fully-clothed. At this point I’m thinking FUCK MY LIFE, but I decided to do a slow escalation process (Vin DiCarlo's shit is fuckin gold). Start with her sides, move to her belly, slowly lift her shirt. As I’m doing that, she just grabs my hand and places it over her boobs (over the clothes). A few minutes later, she redirects my hand under her bra, then between her legs. All clothes come off, and I start fingering her.

That was when anxiety kinda set in. She was moaning and shit, but quietly (mostly hard breathing), and I didn’t see, hear, or feel any orgasms, except for maybe one MUCH later in the session. Eventually there was insertion, but I was at half-mast the entire time and felt nothing. Though I think my physical dysfunction had more to do with me freaking out about not being able to find my condoms than it did with performance anxiety.

She started moaning louder and kept telling me “harder.” I couldn’t cum, and I don’t think she did either. After all was done, I realized I didn’t want this to be just a ONS, so I did the whole cuddling thing. Pass out for maybe an hour, then she wakes me up and directs my hand down there again. Another 30 minutes or so of fingering, and at this point I’m just completely wiped. 3 and a half hours for my first time. That’s gotta be a record. So we pass back out for another few hours.

We wake up, and surprisingly it wasn’t awkward at all. We avoided talking about the happenings of the night and carried on our usual fluff. She turned down my offer to make her breakfast, opting to dine out with her aunt and cousin instead. Her cousin comes, picks her up, and we temporarily part ways. Later on, she sends me a text saying “so last night was fun haha we'll have to do it again sometime.” Fuck yea. I invited her to a formal dance sponsored by my Fraternity, but she turned me down in favor of a rugby party. Wtf? We’re still in contact, though at this point interactions are extremely brief, partly because we both want to keep them brief. Is that a good way to go about this situation?

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Self-eval/Questions:
1. Dropping out of touch: I think it was because I wasn’t ballsy enough to make my own SOI, despite multiple windows of opportunity.

2. Missed quite a few hints during the party, including going to the bathroom together and her directing my attention to her chest by talking about it/adjusting her shirt. Though to my credit, after the kiss, I quickly defused the ensuing awkwardness just by not letting it get to me.

4. First kiss: I wasn’t the first mover. She was by a fraction of a second. I know what I need to do here: stop being so reactive and be more proactive. Timing and pacing this shit is really throwing me for a loop though. Guess it comes with time and practice. Oh, and forgot to mention that there was no kino prior to this. Just a shitload of CF. I guess sexual tension lingers, even after dropping out of touch.

5. CF during the drive: no idea if that was the right thing to do. Maybe it's just community rhetoric, but I was under the impression that during the actual seduction I should drop my hard shell and show her my creamy center. In hindsight, I think I was playing with a potential gamekiller.

6. Directing my hand: Loads of questions about this (for obvious reasons). Did I not escalate quickly enough? Was I not aggressive enough? Was she super turned on, or just drunk and impatient?

7. Quiet moaning: I'm trying hard not to get hung up on this part, but part of me thinks I was just another newbie trying to apply what I "learned" from watching hours and hours of porn... and failing miserably at it. In my defense, that was all I had, so I just went with it.

8. "Harder": related to the last question. Super-turned on, or a subtle way to say "not good enough"?

9. Morning after: no kissing or anything like that. Just cuddling fully clothed. Should I have been more forward and direct with her, especially about my intent to keep her around? Should we have talked about the night before? Basically, what the fuck should I have done, and what the fuck do I do?

10. Turning down my invite: is that a subtle LJBF, or does she want to keep me around, but play the field?

Lastly, if you couldn’t tell, she basically led me the entire night. I definitely want to remedy this. I know that if she’s the leader the entire time, she’ll lose interest in me in no time. I'm really struggling with balancing taking the lead vs. letting her do the work so she'll place more value on me.

This girl’s a classy down-to-earth freak, and I really like her. I just hope this shit doesn’t turn into full-blown one-itis. Hasn't quite happened, but I do have these bouts when I can't focus on anything and the only thing on my mind is her. At this point I’m actually thinking about casually dating her, but I don’t want to sabotage what I have already. I just want to keep her around, even if it’s only as FB’s.

I’d really appreciate your feedback on this. The more detailed and brutally honest you are about the holes in my game, the better. Feel free to criticize the self-eval too, because we all know all the biases that can fuck that up. Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Tommy! Great to hear from you. Glad to hear you’re out there fucking like the rest of us. I’ll be glad to add my two cents. Hmmm…where do I begin?

“Met this chick over the summer and basically clicked right away. Spent the entire summer text-flirting, but never saw each other since the night we met until this past weekend.”

Why didn’t you see each other all summer? 3 months is a long time… Ever try to text and invite her to meet up?

“I wish I could preface this with a transcript of the texts, but that’d take too long. In short, she gave me multiple IOI’s right off the bat and made a few SOI’s during the flirting phase. Actually scratch that. She basically threw herself at me via text. Yet, we still managed to drop out of touch for the second half of summer and the better part of the semester.”

Again, why? When a chick does that to me, I try to meet up with her as soon as possible and just escalate as far as you can go. You interpret her SOIs as an invitation to escalate and escalate hard.

“Anyway, she texts me over Thanksgiving break inviting me to a party in the ghetto part of town. I was bored as fuck, so I went. Super awkward at first. I called her and waited 5 minutes on the front porch before she finally let me in. People there turned out to be real chill and I got pretty drunk and high.”

As a rule, you want to stay as sober as possible…or at least never as drunk or high as she is. When your mental state is altered, that’s when you make mistakes and miss opportunities. You want to be as clear headed as possible so that you can watch for those windows of opportunity and escalate when they occur.

“She and I spent a good amount of time fluffing, and soon after that I went off to mingle with the other guests. Later on that night I make fun of her because her eyes were red as fuck. Of course, I was high at the time, and she called me out on my own red eyes instantly.”

C&F is really unnecessary when it’s clear that the girl is really into you. You basically want to do it if the girl is cold or giving you shit. In this case, it would’ve been better to focus on physical escalation and building comfort. In order words, she’s already pictured fucking you in her mind; you want her to get used to your touch.

“We go into the bathroom together to get some Visine in our eyes, and she starts bitching about how people can see her bra because her shirt’s too low. Being the retard that I am, I just said ‘so fix it.’ So she fixes it and then pulls her shirt AND her bra down even lower. Naturally I had to make fun of the irony. Again, she calls me out on my shit, so I respond with ‘yea truth be told, I very much appreciate the cleavage.’ After that there was like a 5-second staring contest before we kissed.”

Very nice. At this point, I would’ve focused on getting her in total isolation so you could just fuck.

“After we were done I could tell she was starting freak out a little. Why else would you tell a guy you just kissed to ‘act normal?’ I was too high to really be mindful of/give a shit about the situation, so I just shrugged it off and went back to the party.”

If she said something like “act normal,” if probably means she could sense that YOU were uncomfortable. If this was actually your first time, I can see why you’d be nervous. Not a huge deal but do realize that her discomfort is merely a mirror of your own.

“At the end of the night, I'm sober, so I ask her how she’ll get home. Her response: ‘no idea where I’m staying. Maybe your place…’ As if she didn’t drop enough blatantly forward hints already, this one I finally caught. So I take her back and the entire drive home she was all over me. Very distracting. I think I’d have driven better drunk lol. But at least I was able to CF with her during the drive.”

Again, C&F is unnecessary here. But at this point, these little errors don’t matter. She just wants a good dicking.

“So we get back to my place, and as I’m cleaning up, she’s already half-passed out in my bed still fully-clothed. At this point I’m thinking FUCK MY LIFE, but I decided to do a slow escalation process (Vin DiCarlo's shit is fuckin gold). Start with her sides, move to her belly, slowly lift her shirt. As I’m doing that, she just grabs my hand and places it over her boobs (over the clothes). A few minutes later, she redirects my hand under her bra, then between her legs. All clothes come off, and I start fingering her.”

“That was when anxiety kinda set in. She was moaning and shit, but quietly (mostly hard breathing), and I didn’t see, hear, or feel any orgasms, except for maybe one MUCH later in the session. Eventually there was insertion, but I was at half-mast the entire time and felt nothing. Though I think my physical dysfunction had more to do with me freaking out about not being able to find my condoms than it did with performance anxiety.”

It’s your first time! You don’t need to be feeling for orgasms. Focus instead on making YOURSELF feel comfortable. Orgasms are psychological for a woman. Unless the man is comfortable and dominant, she probably won’t cum.

We wake up, and surprisingly it wasn’t awkward at all. We avoided talking about the happenings of the night and carried on our usual fluff. She turned down my offer to make her breakfast, opting to dine out with her aunt and cousin instead. Her cousin comes, picks her up, and we temporarily part ways. Later on, she sends me a text saying “so last night was fun haha we'll have to do it again sometime.” Fuck yea. I invited her to a formal dance sponsored by my Fraternity, but she turned me down in favor of a rugby party. Wtf? We’re still in contact, though at this point interactions are extremely brief, partly because we both want to keep them brief. Is that a good way to go about this situation?

Don’t take her choice to go to a rugby party personally. Maybe she just wants to keep things casual or maybe she thought the rugby party would be more fun. Just be playfully persistent. Stick with what worked during the summer: all the flirty texts.

Self-eval/Questions:
1. Dropping out of touch: I think it was because I wasn’t ballsy enough to make my own SOI, despite multiple windows of opportunity.

Yep, and that’s a HUGE handicap, my friend. The funny thing is, you KNEW she was into you, so there was no basis in the fear. When you approach a chick in a bar, who knows if she’ll be into you or not. In a case where the chick is throwing herself at you, you have to escalate or she’ll take it as a rejection. If you think it's hard for a guy to be persistent, it's much much harder for a woman.

2. Missed quite a few hints during the party, including going to the bathroom together and her directing my attention to her chest by talking about it/adjusting her shirt. Though to my credit, after the kiss, I quickly defused the ensuing awkwardness just by not letting it get to me.

The simple act of her inviting you to the party was an SOI. Her flirting with you via text all summer was one SOI after another. How many do you need before you act???

4. First kiss: I wasn’t the first mover. She was by a fraction of a second. I know what I need to do here: stop being so reactive and be more proactive. Timing and pacing this shit is really throwing me for a loop though. Guess it comes with time and practice. Oh, and forgot to mention that there was no kino prior to this. Just a shitload of CF. I guess sexual tension lingers, even after dropping out of touch.

The C&F is just a way to cover up your fear of making a move. It looks and feels weak. You need to get comfortable with touching women. Make kino a top priority. Next, you need to train yourself to take women’s SOIs as an invitation to escalate. If you had those 2 skills down, you would’ve avoided 90% of the mistakes you made.

5. CF during the drive: no idea if that was the right thing to do. Maybe it's just community rhetoric, but I was under the impression that during the actual seduction I should drop my hard shell and show her my creamy center. In hindsight, I think I was playing with a potential gamekiller.

You’re totally right with this insight. I dropped C&F from my game long ago. Just unnecessary.

6. Directing my hand: Loads of questions about this (for obvious reasons). Did I not escalate quickly enough? Was I not aggressive enough? Was she super turned on, or just drunk and impatient?

Nope. Nope. She was super turned on AND drunk and impatient. She was super horny…clearly. She was flirting with you all summer, invited you to a party, and even insinuated that she spend the night at your place. SHE directed your hand to her boobs and pussy. She wanted it bad.

7. Quiet moaning: I'm trying hard not to get hung up on this part, but part of me thinks I was just another newbie trying to apply what I "learned" from watching hours and hours of porn... and failing miserably at it. In my defense, that was all I had, so I just went with it.

As I said, women are incredibly submissive in bed in that they cannot enjoy sex unless you are. They cannot be comfortable unless you are. Focus on being comfortable with touching women and being physical with them and women will naturally enjoy themselves more.

8. "Harder": related to the last question. Super-turned on, or a subtle way to say "not good enough"?

Super turned on. The “not good enough” crap is just your insecurity talking - something to work on.

9. Morning after: no kissing or anything like that. Just cuddling fully clothed. Should I have been more forward and direct with her, especially about my intent to keep her around? Should we have talked about the night before? Basically, what the fuck should I have done, and what the fuck do I do?

What you did was fine. I wouldn’t have changed anything from the morning after, except maybe I would’ve just started cooking breakfast and made some for her without even asking. I may have just asked, “how do you like your eggs?” No biggie.

10. Turning down my invite: is that a subtle LJBF, or does she want to keep me around, but play the field?

It’s hard to tell from just one instance of her turning you down. Her texting you after she went home is a good sign. I think she just preferred to go to the rugby party. Just be playfully persistent and text how you texted her over the summer. Just cause you fucked her doesn't mean you stop leading her.

This girl’s a classy down-to-earth freak, and I really like her. I just hope this shit doesn’t turn into full-blown one-itis. Hasn't quite happened, but I do have these bouts when I can't focus on anything and the only thing on my mind is her. At this point I’m actually thinking about casually dating her, but I don’t want to sabotage what I have already. I just want to keep her around, even if it’s only as FB’s.

You’re lying to yourself. You’re not looking for FBs. When you “can't focus on anything and the only thing on my mind is her,” what you’re really want is for her to be your girlfriend. Don’t even delude yourself into thinking otherwise, or you’re just opening yourself up to pain and disappointment.

I’d really appreciate your feedback on this. The more detailed and brutally honest you are about the holes in my game, the better. Feel free to criticize the self-eval too, because we all know all the biases that can fuck that up. Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Anytime. I think your game needs lots of work but in this case, the girl was so into you and so horny, she ignored most of your mistakes. The truth is you don't need game to get laid; you just need game to get laid a lot.

Good luck!

-The D

Black Bush in Crisis!

Well, some of you may be asking why I'm posting again. Well, circumstances in my life have changed. Many of you know that over the past three years, I've been attending graduate school full-time and I have since completed my Master's. Over the past month, I have accepted a new job that doubles my income and is located in an area half as expensive. You read right: The Dicknotist is leaving Boston for Green Bay, WI! Titletown just ain't ready! Since I don't move for another month or so, I have some free time to make a few more posts. I've even been invited to do an interview with Pickup Podcast. Fun times!

I got this distressing email lately from Black Bush that details what happens when you work on your outer game without resolving your inner issues:

Hey man,

This is not going to be one of my happy-go-lucky emails. And, I completely selfishly am coming to you because I need help. And last night I painfully realized I am no where near being a PUA. Not that it was my goal; but I at least hoped to inhabit the mindsets, skills and overall aptitudes to avoid the situations like I have found myself. Don't get me wrong, everything I have learned from you has been tremendously helpful on my journey - but I am not complete. I really thought that I would be able to, through your guidance, navigate the rest of the journey on my own - and therefore, figure it out and leave you the hell alone so you can get on with your post PUA life (not that it ends). So, I pray you are able to give me an answer to my extensive inquiry despite your personal and professional obligations. I may, indeed, find the answer for myself while I am typing this - nonetheless, I am going to send it anyway.

The predicament in which I find myself in is two-fold. I will state them both, before describing them in detail: (1) I had an unfortunate "break-up/off" of a relationship last night. I'll refer to her as Rockstar; and, (2) I still have not gotten over my One-itis.

Let me begin with #1:
You receive tons of email - I'm sure. So, it would be presumptuous of me to assume that you remember one specifically in which I told you of a success I had. Well, to date (yesterday) we had been in more or less of a loose relationship for the better part of a year. To be fair and honest I will further explain our "loose relationship." Upon meeting Rockstar was still living with her ex and naturally I kept things at a distance relationship wise even though we were sexual. This went on for some time. Towards Rockstar's ending her live-in situation with the ex - where he choked her, which I insisted she needed to kick him out or I would get involved (physical violence against women I don't condone for very personal reasons) - my One-itis came on the scene. And, thus me still having feelings for her - Rockstar and I not being in a committed relationship because of her previous situation ... I told her to let's keep things as they were. Sexual, close, we do bf/gf things but you are free to see whomever you want just let me know. This I believe was my mistake. So, Rockstar and I are hanging real tough - and for all intensive purposes she and I are in a real bf/gf type relationship. Just without it being voiced or titles. Everything is good until lately when I notice her being more distant. Sudden change no warning at all. Upon noticing I ask what's up - what's wrong, etc. And from her I get the nod everything is perfect. She works 2 full-time jobs and is a full-time student so I give her the benefit of the doubt. We aren't able to spend much time together lately because of her schedule. But when we did things were good - even sex (which happens pretty much whenever we are together in public or private) and I'm honestly knocking it out the park. (Excuse me but the way I feel I got to brag about something LOL).

Anyways, she hits me with. "I'm attracted to someone else from her school. I don't want to tell you what to do but you need to run from me. I would love for you to be in my life but just not like before." Whoa! I didn't see THAT coming. So, obviously I'm hurt - confused - angry - wanting to leave - but wanting to stay and fight - my sense of loyalty versus my perceived betrayal by her. I haven't been able to sleep for a few days with any regularity nor eat. And I'm skinny so I eat! I even bought a weight set a few weeks ago in lieu of a gym membership and have just completely stopped working out altogether. But wait, she "still cares for me very much, is very much attracted to me and likes me a lot." Confusing to say the least! But what does Chris do? It's haaaard to just let go. But is it fruitless to stay? Am I wrong for feeling wronged or being mad or sad? How do I reconcile the feelings, of yet again - being good; but just not good enough? Good to keep around - but not good enough to make a priority. Grrrrrrr. I just want to scream. Honestly, I look back over it. And I did EVERYTHING right except tell her that I wanted her to be with me. I assumed that we were. And my assumption has me feeling like I'm gonna heave something up with each breath and that my heart has shrunk into a pea size ball. Now, I know you psychologist/psychiatrist types aren't big on the whole God/gods thing. But God is important to me and I try and frame this as Rockstar is not someone who He wants me to be with. But who is? When will I meet them? I'm tired of giving my heart - only for it to be taken for granted. And I can't keep doing this. So that's problem #1.

On to #2:
As I said my One-itis is very much present in my life right now. I love Rockstar. But I LOVE my One-itis. Like if things (distance, issues, etc) were to be worked out overnight. I would not hesitate to marry her tomorrow morning LOL. The thing is - she has had some situations that keep us apart. And setbacks which delayed us from getting together. Besides we are in different states, she's older so we're at different points in our life, etc. And yes, the entire time me and Rockstar were together. One-itis was in the picture. Did it have any bearing on the relationship Rockstar and I had yes. But I wasn't stupid enough to not nail Rockstar down waiting on One-itis to get her 'ish together. So, she is now still in the picture.

How do I handle all this? I pray and pray. Think and think and no solutions to any of my problems. Please help me Dicknotist.

P.S. You are my unofficial mentor/big brother I wish you could be in my corner for everything because you've been where I was and am. And you are overcoming it daily in your personal and professional life. And daily, I wish i could express to you how much help you have been. So, thank you. I hate that you have stopped writing your blog too. But it's a natural progression in life. Thanks again. And I really do appreciate everything you have offered me. It means a lot. You are truly a good person - you continue to help people which no motivation of your own and I hope to get on your level in time.

theN.igmaticOne . . . the N.igmatic, intellectual, poetical, political pseudo-thug and ghetto superhero!
"Populus me sibilat, at mihi plaudo Ipse domi simul ac nummos contemplar in arca."

Black Bush,

Thanks again for your kind words. I'm glad this blog is helping people. You know I have your back, even if that means slapping you across the head! :)

First off, never get involved in a woman's troubles. The last thing you want is to get in an altercation with her ex and have assault charges on your record that will make it impossible to get a job. It's not worth it and it's never wise.

Let's tackle Rockstar first - such a strange moniker for a girl, but we'll roll with it. What hurts you isn't that she's interested in another guy, but that her actions verified your deepest insecurity: you're "[g]ood to keep around - but not good enough to make a priority." Do you think you did anything to set up this situation?

Of course, the answer is yes. You set this up from the very beginning by choosing a woman who was still living with her abusive ex. If she's still living with her ex and with your permission, fucking other guys, she couldn't make you a priority if she wanted to, could she? Even if she wanted to become exclusive to you, you told her repeatedly that you wanted each of you to fuck other people. Do you see how you actually made it impossible for the situation to end any differently than it did?

Your situation with your one-itis is exactly the same. You keep choosing women who are emotionally unavailable (or you shape them to be that way). In her case, she's several states away. You do this to affirm your insecurity that makes you feel that you're not good enough to be a priority in a woman's life. See, you didn't fix the insecurity when you were with her, so it's no surprise that it popped up with Rockstar as well. Unless you deal with that insecurity, disappointments like this will keep happening. Each new hurt will create lots of emotional baggage that will get in your way when you do find that special someone.

I have good news for you: it's all your fault! Yep, it's all your fault, but rather than feeling bad about it and denigrating yourself, take it as wonderful news. If it was her fault, there's nothing you could do about it because you can't control others' actions. However, when it is your fault, that means you can keep this from happening again with the next woman by changing your actions and your mindset.

My advice to you is to get in touch with your mission in life. What is your ultimate goal? What do you want to do with your life? Fill your life with people, including women, who help you fulfill that mission. A recent example in my own life is when I was job hunting last month. I was looking only in Massachusetts as that's where I've lived my entire life. To be here among my family, friends, and men's group was comfortable and familiar. However, I was underwhelmed with many of the offers coming my way. My current gf encouraged me to open up my search up nationwide and find a job I deserve. At first I resisted, but once I started looking across the US, job offers started pouring in. Now, she did this knowing the likely possibility that I would move several states away, which would break her heart as she loves me incredibly, but she put my happiness first. That's the type of woman you want in your life - one that will push you outside your comfort zone to achieve your dream. From that frame, the answer to your questions are clear. Are either of these women contributing to your life and helping you achieve your dream? If not, you're wasting a hell of a lot of time, money, and energy.

Now, the damage has been done with these women as the relationships have been set at this point. However, in the future, you can shape your women to have the traits you desire. Vin DiCarlo already has a wonderful article on this topic which you should check out.

I also recommend that you listen to David DeAngelo's Man Transformation program. I heard it only because David started me on this journey and I was curious how he's changed since producing his last program three years ago. Wow! It's just incredible. It's completely different from anything he's done before and probably does the best job teaching inner game outside of an AMP bootcamp. Just skip the DVD on Mehow. ;)

Good luck!

-The D

P.S. It's been a long time since I've gotten a Latin quote I didn't recognize. I've read Sherlock Holmes before, but only in English. You're definitely interesting, my friend. Keep in touch.

Just When I Think I'm Out...

They pull me back in! Well, not quite. I still get questions from you guys and when I get one that is a great addition to the education on this blog, I'll definitely post it with an answer. So, without further ado:

Hey Dicknotist,

I know you shut down your blog but i figured I'd take you up on your offer and get you to answer a question :)

I met this girl at a kegger and kino'ed her hard, at one point i pulled her waist into mine so they we touched at the pelvic bones.

We got separated after the kegger and we txted but never meet up again that day. A bit less then a week later i called her and we set up a meet to go for bubble tea. I picked her up took her out and once there we went into some deep eye contact, I moved over so i would be close to her and then start to kino her wrist where she had a friendship bracelet. (I'm going to give you credit for this one :) ) I caught her glancing at my lips so then i got talking about guitar hero and i took her back to my place to play it, after facing some resistance. Once there we played for a bit and i got her up to my room to listen to some music. After some more talking while sitting on my bed, i said that her bare feet must be cold so i took them and put them over my lap. I knew she wanted to kiss so i pick her up and put her on my lap, she then knocked her head against mine and started to make out with me. (This was great first time i had ever brought a girl home with this result:) ). Anyway after that she put up some resistance and said she should be going home soon (for an 830 class - it was 1120 at the time). I threw her on the bed and i start to explore her chest and neck- she liked it. But she said that she must be going and i felt obligated to get her home to get up early :S

Anyway i called her like a half a week later, we talked and i said that we should get together but she they she is going to be really busy in the next two weeks with exams but after she will have a break. She also says then that she doesn't see us going anywhere and she doesn't want to give me the wrong impression but we can still hang out...

What do you think? Is it a lost cause..
Thanks
Matt

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what good game looks like. It's not flashy. It's not fancy. It's just solid. Pretty soon, scenarios like this will become so common, you'll get bored and sick of it, but that day won't come until you learn how to close consistently.

The answer to your question is no. It's not a lost cause, but it's not good that you didn't escalate all the way. When she says she doesn't see it going anywhere but you two can still hang out, she's basically saying she's not looking for something serious right now...or not looking for something serious with you. If you just want a booty call, you're good. If you're looking for a traditional girlfriend, I have bad news for you. You've been put in the player category and it's a bitch to get out of it. You can hook her if you're unusually good in bed and shape her well after each act, but it'll take some work.

I threw her on the bed and i start to explore her chest and neck- she liked it. But she said that she must be going and I felt obligated to get her home to get up early :S

You felt obligated to get her home early? I call bullshit. I believe you genuinely think that is why you relented, but there's an inner game issue behind all of this. You see, "backwards rationalization" goes both ways. Gurus teach us that women make emotional decisions and then make up reasons later to justify those decisions. That is true but what they neglect to mention is that guys do it too - and we're better at it. Since many of us are unaware of our emotions, we are unaware that those same emotions we're ignoring are actually running us.

Some emotion was flowing through your body at that moment that made you back down. Perhaps it was a fear of offending her or not performing well. Perhaps it was sadness because you interpreted her wanting to leave as a rejection. Maybe it was something else. The point is you have to dig deeper and figure out what you were feeling in that moment. If you're really struggling, recall what you were thinking about in that moment and figure out the emotion behind those thoughts.

What would I have done? Clearly, some of her resistance was from her not feeling comfortable being alone with you so soon. What I'd do next depends on my end goal. If I'm looking for a potential girlfriend, I probably would've slowed things down and escalated emotionally. You want her to be totally comfortable with you at all times. However, if I just wanted quick sex, I would've done what you did: continue kino escalation while getting her in isolation. The only difference is, I would've been more aggressive.

Go caveman! You did some of this by tossing her on the bed. From there, as you were kissing her and exploring her body, I would've started kissed her cheek, breathed into her ear, and whispered, "take off your pants" with authority. Also effective is looking deeply into her eyes and telling her to take 'em off. That would've been that. If she truly liked it when you tossed her on the bed, she would've been turned on even more by your taking charge. Women just love to be taken! They masturbate to that fantasy on a regular basis. You can truly be the man of her dreams...by fulfilling one of her dreams.

Let me know how this ends up.

Good luck!

-The Dicknotist

Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat!

They say parting is such sweet sorrow, but I knew this day would come. I am ceasing to update this blog. It will remain online as a guidebook for those who still need it - or need a Dicknotism refresher. However, I have moved on from pickup and onto bigger life matters, including my new career and a whole new set of skills to master.

This blog will remain online - at least for a while - as an answer to the the conflicting, confusing advice of the pick-up community and the utterly worthless dating advice available in the mainstream. Here is where you can get accurate, honest advice on seduction without having to purchase an endless string of e-books and audio programs. This blog is my gift to all of you.

Never forget the three fundamental tenets of Dicknotism:
1) To devote yourself every day to becoming the best person you can be in every area of your life
2) To find your passion and transform it into a vehicle of helping others to your maximum ability
3) To create a culture where both men and women are unapologetic of their sexual desires, confident and comfortable in their own power, and empathetic of others.

It's been an incredible journey and I wish all of you the best. My email is still available for those of you who have questions or need guidance: dicknotist at gmail dot com.

Take care, good luck, and so long!

-The Dicknotist

Meet Sebastian Drake

One guy in the community who has been particularly instrumental in helping me build more solid, meaningful relationships is Sebastian Drake. Unlike other PUAs that teach guys to use negs and attack a woman's self-esteem, Sebastian challenges you to create a relationship where you build each other up. It's not all about fucking everything that moves, but actually being moved by women you fuck.

The above video is from the 2007 PUA Summit and is hardly knew, but the advice is timeless.

-The D