Black Bush in Crisis!

Well, some of you may be asking why I'm posting again. Well, circumstances in my life have changed. Many of you know that over the past three years, I've been attending graduate school full-time and I have since completed my Master's. Over the past month, I have accepted a new job that doubles my income and is located in an area half as expensive. You read right: The Dicknotist is leaving Boston for Green Bay, WI! Titletown just ain't ready! Since I don't move for another month or so, I have some free time to make a few more posts. I've even been invited to do an interview with Pickup Podcast. Fun times!

I got this distressing email lately from Black Bush that details what happens when you work on your outer game without resolving your inner issues:

Hey man,

This is not going to be one of my happy-go-lucky emails. And, I completely selfishly am coming to you because I need help. And last night I painfully realized I am no where near being a PUA. Not that it was my goal; but I at least hoped to inhabit the mindsets, skills and overall aptitudes to avoid the situations like I have found myself. Don't get me wrong, everything I have learned from you has been tremendously helpful on my journey - but I am not complete. I really thought that I would be able to, through your guidance, navigate the rest of the journey on my own - and therefore, figure it out and leave you the hell alone so you can get on with your post PUA life (not that it ends). So, I pray you are able to give me an answer to my extensive inquiry despite your personal and professional obligations. I may, indeed, find the answer for myself while I am typing this - nonetheless, I am going to send it anyway.

The predicament in which I find myself in is two-fold. I will state them both, before describing them in detail: (1) I had an unfortunate "break-up/off" of a relationship last night. I'll refer to her as Rockstar; and, (2) I still have not gotten over my One-itis.

Let me begin with #1:
You receive tons of email - I'm sure. So, it would be presumptuous of me to assume that you remember one specifically in which I told you of a success I had. Well, to date (yesterday) we had been in more or less of a loose relationship for the better part of a year. To be fair and honest I will further explain our "loose relationship." Upon meeting Rockstar was still living with her ex and naturally I kept things at a distance relationship wise even though we were sexual. This went on for some time. Towards Rockstar's ending her live-in situation with the ex - where he choked her, which I insisted she needed to kick him out or I would get involved (physical violence against women I don't condone for very personal reasons) - my One-itis came on the scene. And, thus me still having feelings for her - Rockstar and I not being in a committed relationship because of her previous situation ... I told her to let's keep things as they were. Sexual, close, we do bf/gf things but you are free to see whomever you want just let me know. This I believe was my mistake. So, Rockstar and I are hanging real tough - and for all intensive purposes she and I are in a real bf/gf type relationship. Just without it being voiced or titles. Everything is good until lately when I notice her being more distant. Sudden change no warning at all. Upon noticing I ask what's up - what's wrong, etc. And from her I get the nod everything is perfect. She works 2 full-time jobs and is a full-time student so I give her the benefit of the doubt. We aren't able to spend much time together lately because of her schedule. But when we did things were good - even sex (which happens pretty much whenever we are together in public or private) and I'm honestly knocking it out the park. (Excuse me but the way I feel I got to brag about something LOL).

Anyways, she hits me with. "I'm attracted to someone else from her school. I don't want to tell you what to do but you need to run from me. I would love for you to be in my life but just not like before." Whoa! I didn't see THAT coming. So, obviously I'm hurt - confused - angry - wanting to leave - but wanting to stay and fight - my sense of loyalty versus my perceived betrayal by her. I haven't been able to sleep for a few days with any regularity nor eat. And I'm skinny so I eat! I even bought a weight set a few weeks ago in lieu of a gym membership and have just completely stopped working out altogether. But wait, she "still cares for me very much, is very much attracted to me and likes me a lot." Confusing to say the least! But what does Chris do? It's haaaard to just let go. But is it fruitless to stay? Am I wrong for feeling wronged or being mad or sad? How do I reconcile the feelings, of yet again - being good; but just not good enough? Good to keep around - but not good enough to make a priority. Grrrrrrr. I just want to scream. Honestly, I look back over it. And I did EVERYTHING right except tell her that I wanted her to be with me. I assumed that we were. And my assumption has me feeling like I'm gonna heave something up with each breath and that my heart has shrunk into a pea size ball. Now, I know you psychologist/psychiatrist types aren't big on the whole God/gods thing. But God is important to me and I try and frame this as Rockstar is not someone who He wants me to be with. But who is? When will I meet them? I'm tired of giving my heart - only for it to be taken for granted. And I can't keep doing this. So that's problem #1.

On to #2:
As I said my One-itis is very much present in my life right now. I love Rockstar. But I LOVE my One-itis. Like if things (distance, issues, etc) were to be worked out overnight. I would not hesitate to marry her tomorrow morning LOL. The thing is - she has had some situations that keep us apart. And setbacks which delayed us from getting together. Besides we are in different states, she's older so we're at different points in our life, etc. And yes, the entire time me and Rockstar were together. One-itis was in the picture. Did it have any bearing on the relationship Rockstar and I had yes. But I wasn't stupid enough to not nail Rockstar down waiting on One-itis to get her 'ish together. So, she is now still in the picture.

How do I handle all this? I pray and pray. Think and think and no solutions to any of my problems. Please help me Dicknotist.

P.S. You are my unofficial mentor/big brother I wish you could be in my corner for everything because you've been where I was and am. And you are overcoming it daily in your personal and professional life. And daily, I wish i could express to you how much help you have been. So, thank you. I hate that you have stopped writing your blog too. But it's a natural progression in life. Thanks again. And I really do appreciate everything you have offered me. It means a lot. You are truly a good person - you continue to help people which no motivation of your own and I hope to get on your level in time.

theN.igmaticOne . . . the N.igmatic, intellectual, poetical, political pseudo-thug and ghetto superhero!
"Populus me sibilat, at mihi plaudo Ipse domi simul ac nummos contemplar in arca."

Black Bush,

Thanks again for your kind words. I'm glad this blog is helping people. You know I have your back, even if that means slapping you across the head! :)

First off, never get involved in a woman's troubles. The last thing you want is to get in an altercation with her ex and have assault charges on your record that will make it impossible to get a job. It's not worth it and it's never wise.

Let's tackle Rockstar first - such a strange moniker for a girl, but we'll roll with it. What hurts you isn't that she's interested in another guy, but that her actions verified your deepest insecurity: you're "[g]ood to keep around - but not good enough to make a priority." Do you think you did anything to set up this situation?

Of course, the answer is yes. You set this up from the very beginning by choosing a woman who was still living with her abusive ex. If she's still living with her ex and with your permission, fucking other guys, she couldn't make you a priority if she wanted to, could she? Even if she wanted to become exclusive to you, you told her repeatedly that you wanted each of you to fuck other people. Do you see how you actually made it impossible for the situation to end any differently than it did?

Your situation with your one-itis is exactly the same. You keep choosing women who are emotionally unavailable (or you shape them to be that way). In her case, she's several states away. You do this to affirm your insecurity that makes you feel that you're not good enough to be a priority in a woman's life. See, you didn't fix the insecurity when you were with her, so it's no surprise that it popped up with Rockstar as well. Unless you deal with that insecurity, disappointments like this will keep happening. Each new hurt will create lots of emotional baggage that will get in your way when you do find that special someone.

I have good news for you: it's all your fault! Yep, it's all your fault, but rather than feeling bad about it and denigrating yourself, take it as wonderful news. If it was her fault, there's nothing you could do about it because you can't control others' actions. However, when it is your fault, that means you can keep this from happening again with the next woman by changing your actions and your mindset.

My advice to you is to get in touch with your mission in life. What is your ultimate goal? What do you want to do with your life? Fill your life with people, including women, who help you fulfill that mission. A recent example in my own life is when I was job hunting last month. I was looking only in Massachusetts as that's where I've lived my entire life. To be here among my family, friends, and men's group was comfortable and familiar. However, I was underwhelmed with many of the offers coming my way. My current gf encouraged me to open up my search up nationwide and find a job I deserve. At first I resisted, but once I started looking across the US, job offers started pouring in. Now, she did this knowing the likely possibility that I would move several states away, which would break her heart as she loves me incredibly, but she put my happiness first. That's the type of woman you want in your life - one that will push you outside your comfort zone to achieve your dream. From that frame, the answer to your questions are clear. Are either of these women contributing to your life and helping you achieve your dream? If not, you're wasting a hell of a lot of time, money, and energy.

Now, the damage has been done with these women as the relationships have been set at this point. However, in the future, you can shape your women to have the traits you desire. Vin DiCarlo already has a wonderful article on this topic which you should check out.

I also recommend that you listen to David DeAngelo's Man Transformation program. I heard it only because David started me on this journey and I was curious how he's changed since producing his last program three years ago. Wow! It's just incredible. It's completely different from anything he's done before and probably does the best job teaching inner game outside of an AMP bootcamp. Just skip the DVD on Mehow. ;)

Good luck!

-The D

P.S. It's been a long time since I've gotten a Latin quote I didn't recognize. I've read Sherlock Holmes before, but only in English. You're definitely interesting, my friend. Keep in touch.

Just When I Think I'm Out...

They pull me back in! Well, not quite. I still get questions from you guys and when I get one that is a great addition to the education on this blog, I'll definitely post it with an answer. So, without further ado:

Hey Dicknotist,

I know you shut down your blog but i figured I'd take you up on your offer and get you to answer a question :)

I met this girl at a kegger and kino'ed her hard, at one point i pulled her waist into mine so they we touched at the pelvic bones.

We got separated after the kegger and we txted but never meet up again that day. A bit less then a week later i called her and we set up a meet to go for bubble tea. I picked her up took her out and once there we went into some deep eye contact, I moved over so i would be close to her and then start to kino her wrist where she had a friendship bracelet. (I'm going to give you credit for this one :) ) I caught her glancing at my lips so then i got talking about guitar hero and i took her back to my place to play it, after facing some resistance. Once there we played for a bit and i got her up to my room to listen to some music. After some more talking while sitting on my bed, i said that her bare feet must be cold so i took them and put them over my lap. I knew she wanted to kiss so i pick her up and put her on my lap, she then knocked her head against mine and started to make out with me. (This was great first time i had ever brought a girl home with this result:) ). Anyway after that she put up some resistance and said she should be going home soon (for an 830 class - it was 1120 at the time). I threw her on the bed and i start to explore her chest and neck- she liked it. But she said that she must be going and i felt obligated to get her home to get up early :S

Anyway i called her like a half a week later, we talked and i said that we should get together but she they she is going to be really busy in the next two weeks with exams but after she will have a break. She also says then that she doesn't see us going anywhere and she doesn't want to give me the wrong impression but we can still hang out...

What do you think? Is it a lost cause..
Thanks
Matt

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what good game looks like. It's not flashy. It's not fancy. It's just solid. Pretty soon, scenarios like this will become so common, you'll get bored and sick of it, but that day won't come until you learn how to close consistently.

The answer to your question is no. It's not a lost cause, but it's not good that you didn't escalate all the way. When she says she doesn't see it going anywhere but you two can still hang out, she's basically saying she's not looking for something serious right now...or not looking for something serious with you. If you just want a booty call, you're good. If you're looking for a traditional girlfriend, I have bad news for you. You've been put in the player category and it's a bitch to get out of it. You can hook her if you're unusually good in bed and shape her well after each act, but it'll take some work.

I threw her on the bed and i start to explore her chest and neck- she liked it. But she said that she must be going and I felt obligated to get her home to get up early :S

You felt obligated to get her home early? I call bullshit. I believe you genuinely think that is why you relented, but there's an inner game issue behind all of this. You see, "backwards rationalization" goes both ways. Gurus teach us that women make emotional decisions and then make up reasons later to justify those decisions. That is true but what they neglect to mention is that guys do it too - and we're better at it. Since many of us are unaware of our emotions, we are unaware that those same emotions we're ignoring are actually running us.

Some emotion was flowing through your body at that moment that made you back down. Perhaps it was a fear of offending her or not performing well. Perhaps it was sadness because you interpreted her wanting to leave as a rejection. Maybe it was something else. The point is you have to dig deeper and figure out what you were feeling in that moment. If you're really struggling, recall what you were thinking about in that moment and figure out the emotion behind those thoughts.

What would I have done? Clearly, some of her resistance was from her not feeling comfortable being alone with you so soon. What I'd do next depends on my end goal. If I'm looking for a potential girlfriend, I probably would've slowed things down and escalated emotionally. You want her to be totally comfortable with you at all times. However, if I just wanted quick sex, I would've done what you did: continue kino escalation while getting her in isolation. The only difference is, I would've been more aggressive.

Go caveman! You did some of this by tossing her on the bed. From there, as you were kissing her and exploring her body, I would've started kissed her cheek, breathed into her ear, and whispered, "take off your pants" with authority. Also effective is looking deeply into her eyes and telling her to take 'em off. That would've been that. If she truly liked it when you tossed her on the bed, she would've been turned on even more by your taking charge. Women just love to be taken! They masturbate to that fantasy on a regular basis. You can truly be the man of her dreams...by fulfilling one of her dreams.

Let me know how this ends up.

Good luck!

-The Dicknotist

Fortes Fortuna Adiuvat!

They say parting is such sweet sorrow, but I knew this day would come. I am ceasing to update this blog. It will remain online as a guidebook for those who still need it - or need a Dicknotism refresher. However, I have moved on from pickup and onto bigger life matters, including my new career and a whole new set of skills to master.

This blog will remain online - at least for a while - as an answer to the the conflicting, confusing advice of the pick-up community and the utterly worthless dating advice available in the mainstream. Here is where you can get accurate, honest advice on seduction without having to purchase an endless string of e-books and audio programs. This blog is my gift to all of you.

Never forget the three fundamental tenets of Dicknotism:
1) To devote yourself every day to becoming the best person you can be in every area of your life
2) To find your passion and transform it into a vehicle of helping others to your maximum ability
3) To create a culture where both men and women are unapologetic of their sexual desires, confident and comfortable in their own power, and empathetic of others.

It's been an incredible journey and I wish all of you the best. My email is still available for those of you who have questions or need guidance: dicknotist at gmail dot com.

Take care, good luck, and so long!

-The Dicknotist

Meet Sebastian Drake

One guy in the community who has been particularly instrumental in helping me build more solid, meaningful relationships is Sebastian Drake. Unlike other PUAs that teach guys to use negs and attack a woman's self-esteem, Sebastian challenges you to create a relationship where you build each other up. It's not all about fucking everything that moves, but actually being moved by women you fuck.

The above video is from the 2007 PUA Summit and is hardly knew, but the advice is timeless.

-The D

F*cking on Facebook?

There's a great article in the recent Boston Phoenix about "retrosexuals:" people who use Facebook to hook up with past sex partners. I've always been fascinated with how the internet continues to evolve and change how we live our dating and romantic lives. Hookups are easier than ever and with Facebook, a good lay is only a click away:

A few months back, one of my best friends from high school slept with the guy to whom, years earlier, she had lost her virginity. This time around, though, Suzanne wasn't 16 and they weren't in her parents' basement — instead, they had wild sex in a Las Vegas hotel room. Around the same time, she got it on with the first love of her life, a boy she met during high school, and whom she hadn't seen since he finished breaking her heart during her sophomore year of college. After reconnecting via Facebook and G-chat, they met up, and eventually hooked up. These two incidents were hardly unique — last year she extensively mined her past for present romantic encounters.

"In 2008," Suzanne unabashedly shares, "I only had sex with two new people, but I never went longer than nine days without having sex." There was really only one word to describe her (no, not that one). She had become a retrosexual.

The neology is obvious: retrosexuals are people who rewind their own lives, digging into their past to emerge with a current romantic partner. So, too, is the cultural context: like chicken-noodle soup or Beverly Hills 90210 DVD compilations, retrosexing lures its participants with promises of familiarity — a comforting concept that's hard to come by in these complicated times.

A retrosex episode can fall into two major categories, with some subsets: a one-time hook-up or a longer-term romance. The textbook retrosexual, the perfect specimen, if you will, is the former — someone like Suzanne, who hooks up for casual sex with someone he or she knew in high school. Within this group are two narrower classifications: some retrosexuals, like Suzanne, have been there, done that; others might be reconnecting with old friends but hooking up for the first time.

Here's an example of a conversation a classic retrosexual might have:

Retro: "I made out with Jon Whateverhisnameis last night!"

Friend: "Jon Whateverhisnameis? That guy you drank vodka with / gave your first blowjob to / studiously ignored at the 11th grade homecoming dance?"

Retro: "Yes! I ran into him / friended him on Facebook / saw his name on a mass e-mail a few weeks ago, and we've been chatting — he's totally great now! We hung out last night and ended up sucking face in an alley."

Friend: "Weird."

The other type of retrosexual is someone who romantically reconnects with someone from their past, but not necessarily someone from high school or college. Ex-sex, in other words, but not sordid, desperate, we-just-broke-up-last-week-and-I'm-so-lonely ex-sex. More like, hey-let's-try-this-again ex-sex. Or, old-habits-die-hard-for-a-reason ex-sex.

Beyond these broad definitions are finer distinctions, such as those who retrosex and then wish they hadn't (call them "regretrosexuals"), or those who hooked up years ago and have no desire to be reminded of their past romantic encounters (see the sidebar "Fretrosexuals," by Jeff Inglis).

Typically, the retrosexual must be 25 or older, because true retrosexing calls for some degree of reconnection or rediscovery, not to mention experience. Retrosexing is more common in large cities, where the chances of randomly bumping into an old friend or lover are always higher.

The popularity of social-networking sites — okay, really just Facebook — has made retrosexing all the easier. Whereas potential retros used to have to wait for their five- or 10-year high-school reunions to have old acquaintances fall into their lap, now they can simply search Facebook for high-school classmates and fellow college alumni, and re-establish contact without too much gumshoeing.

Why we turn back
Finding each other on Facebook might be how it starts. But how does retrosexualism gain traction, prompting the transition from innocent reunion to romantic attraction?

Consider Gillian and Chad, both 26, who never dated, but were part of the same circle of friends in high school. Their fledgling relationship epitomizes the most common type of retrosexualism: now that they're older, they're reconsidering a previously unexplored romance.

After graduating high school, they ended up at different colleges and lived for several years in different cities. They saw each other occasionally over the years, but neither one ever contemplated romance. Then, about a year ago, both of them ended up in New York City, where they started seeing more of each other in larger groups, gradually planning one-on-one meet-ups. As they became familiar with each other's adult self, Gillian and Chad increasingly drew nearer. Recently, they started dating. And while a romance when they were younger would have been unlikely (she was a bit too serious for his class-clown self), Gillian thinks she knows why she went retro.

"As we get older," she wrote in an e-mail, "it becomes easier to retrosex . . . with old friends, because we've more or less finished 'growing up' and have less to prove to each other about our lives outside of high school. I also think we're more likely to be impressed by our high school acquaintances . . . because we're often surprised by their accomplishments. It's like, one day you meet somebody, and they're no longer the dork or loser or loudmouth in high school — they're a professional man. Which can be intriguing and appealing."

(The reverse can hold true, too. That guy who was hot 10 years ago might not have held onto his good looks, yet somehow he hasn't lost his appeal, because you're "still seeing them through the lens of their high-school appearance and persona," says another occasional retrosexual, 26-year-old Sarah.)

Regardless, it's easy to find yourself falling for someone with whom you share a history, whether that history was meaningful (you were involved) or fleeting (you were in the same biology class).

Gillian, who has had two retrosexual encounters over the past few years, describes the strange intimacy of hooking up with someone you knew as a teenager: "There's a level of familiarity . . . that can actually make things awkward at first. Like, you're seeing this guy who you've gone through so many years with, but now you're both naked. [It] can be almost comical. . . . But it can also be amazing, because there's this sense of connection that, although it might not be a true love connection, is unique in that there's a finite number of people in the world you knew in the high-school context." (For Chad's thoughts about all this, keep reading.)

Indeed, that comfort and connection is the whole reason that retrosexing is so appealing, says Massachusetts love expert Paul Falzone, the CEO of the online and in-person dating companies eLove, Together Dating, and The Right One. In these rather desperate times, with the economy particularly terrible for young job-seekers, and the specter of Middle Eastern crisis looming large, all we can be sure of is that we can't be sure of anything. "Society is going to see more [retrosexing] happening than in the past," says Falzone. "It's security, it's safety, it's bringing back old feelings that make you feel young again. People are resorting to things they're familiar with, that they're comfortable with."

Of course, that same sense of familiarity is what so often drives us back into the arms of ex-lovers — even more recent ones. Callie, 29, recently reignited an old, extinguished flame after a three-year hiatus. When they met up for beers, after years of relatively sullen, angry silence, she expected a mere friendly reunion. But the outcome was quite different.

"When we saw each other, the chemistry was immediate and intense," she says. "I remembered both why we were together in the first place and why we'd ended. There was the comfort of the shared past. We had an immediate ease with each other — one that was both relaxed and extremely exciting. A feeling of new romance, with the added benefit of having known each other extremely well. The nervous, fluttery, exceptionally turn-onable [feelings], combined with knowing each other's backgrounds, likes, dislikes, senses of humors, families, etc."

It makes sense that retrosexing is so appealing to twenty- and thirtysomethings, who otherwise feel adrift in their quarter-life malaise: participants are being permitted to regress. Romancing with people you already know cuts out one of the most harrowing elements of adulthood — forging new personal connections.

"[F]or the first time in your life, you are not automatically surrounded by people your age who are doing the same things you are doing," wrote Abby Wilner and Catherine Stocker in their 2005 book, The Quarterlifer's Companion:How To Get on the Right Career Path, Control Your Finances, and Find the Support Network You Need To Thrive (McGraw-Hill). "The challenge of meeting people and making new friends is one of the more common themes in the [quarter-life crisis] community."

Combine the ease of Facebook socialization with the relative effortlessness that comes with chatting up old acquaintances, and you've got the lazy man's dream-dating scenario.

Comfort levels
As with any unique type of relationship, the retrosexual one has its quirks. For one thing, it can be difficult to tell what's romantic and what's friendly, especially if the reconnection is made with a platonic premise. After all, archetypal implications of "dating" — like offering to pay for dinner, e-mailing or texting just for fun, or casual physical contact — are the province of friends and lovers both.

"You're very hesitant to make your move," says Chad, the 26 year old who recently started up a retrosexual relationship with Gillian. "You're afraid you're going to misinterpret signals. You're not sure if what's happening is romantic or not. You don't know whether you should attempt to kiss the person."

"The flip side," he continues, "is when you actually do make some sort of move, you'll be able to be really bold, because you already have a certain comfort level." As a result, all those superficial worries — Who will pay? When will she call? Was that brush of the hand a mistake, or was it intentional? — become less nerve-racking.

Another complication can be the inevitable shared-friends group. Not only will the retrosexual duo make waves depending on how, whether, and when they spill the beans about their rendez-vous, they'll also likely grapple with knowledge of their partner's past intimate experiences. (In fact, this might lull some people into a false sense of security — as though knowing part of someone's sexual past might make sleeping with them less of a health risk.)

And the better you know someone, the more dangerous it is if something goes wrong. Josh, 28, who sheepishly shares that he's recently retrosexed with at least three women, acknowledges both the benefits and drawbacks of hooking up with someone you've known forever.

"The best part of that is the comfort level you have with someone beforehand," he says. "Because you know the person, and if the timing's right, it can be pretty cozy. The danger, though, is that afterward, things can change, and if you're not careful, you might lose your friend. Which sucks."

That is exactly what happened to Ellen, a 35 year old who recently found herself tangled up with an old friend from her junior-high days. When they first bumped into each other downtown, it was amazing, she recalls. They laughed and had a great time. When they finally had sex — once — it was awesome.

But Ellen had recently emerged from a four-and-a-half-year relationship, and wasn't ready to jump into something new. She told him so. The dude's extreme negative reaction (we're talking aggressive e-mails, misogynist talk) was a shock, which made Ellen realize that, while he might be a cool friend, his romantic persona "wasn't the sweet person I'd thought he was. We simply cannot be friends." Perhaps if they'd never retro'ed, they could have preserved their relationship by avoiding romance.

Look at me now
As exciting as it can be, retrosexing isn't all fun and games. The emotional implications of these blasts from the past can run deeper.

In some cases, retrosexuals seek to achieve something like vindication, or triumph, through their experience. Consider an accomplished, sexy woman who felt significantly less confident in high school — and allowed that lack of self-esteem to color her relationships with guys. These days, if she rekindles an affair with someone who shunned or mistreated her, she revels in having the upper hand. At the very least, she makes sure it's an even playing field.

"A lot of it is about . . . feeling like I can correct for 'mistakes' in the past," explains Suzanne. "Not just showing off an adult sexuality, but also being able to alter and correct for the power dynamics of years ago. With both S. [the heartbreaker] and J. [the Vegas fling], [her modus operandi] was kind of a, 'Look at me now' thing, like somehow, by virtue of seeing them and sleeping with them again and not caring about it, I was reaching back and repairing the hurt that had been done to me in the past."

She, um, elaborates: "Like, yeah, 'Look who's all grown up and hotter than you now, bitches, so why don't you shut the eff up and eat my pussy for the next three hours. Eff it . . . for the next three days. You've got a lot of making up to do for all those bj's in high school.' " (Forgive her, she's actually a very charming individual.)

And reconnecting with old lovers, ones who you shared time with later in life, can be even more fraught with confusion. Here's what happened with Callie and her former beau after their brief renaissance: "The insecurities that I linked with being with him, ones I thought I'd gotten over, re-emerged. The casual re-exploration began to beg the question: 'What are we doing, are we getting back together?' which led to hard talks and confusing wants. [A]s we spent more time together, the reasons we'd originally broken up became louder than the reasons we'd been together."

Still, upon reflection, Anne pinpoints the undeniable appeal of the retrosexual sex-perience.

"I don't regret the reunion," she adds. "It was a necessary final chapter. Impossible to resist for the combination of the new-ness and the familiarity."

Callie might not be a regretrosexual, but she could have been. Indeed, for every retrosexual fairy-tale ending (They exist! We have Facebook status-change evidence!), there's a regretrosexual one — which suggests that, even when it comes to love, very rarely can you go home again.