The 7 Sins of Validation-Seeking

Someone on masf wrote one of the best and most important posts I've read in a long time: the 7 Sins of Validation-Seeking. "Not seeking validation" or "not needing approval" are mantras pickup gurus have been spouting for years, but it's only recently I've internalized and understood what that really means. It means your inherent self-worth and esteem is in no way damaged or shaped by the opinions or reactions of others. You feel whole in of yourself and want to share your life with women, not find one to complete what you feel is missing. Sit down, be honest with yourself, and see if you're guilty of any of these acts on a regular basis. These are holes in your inner game that you need to be plugged.

1 Lying

This pattern is very obvious and I’m not going to describe how you can detect it in yourself because you sure as hell know if you are lying or not. Lying can be very destructive to personal integrity, especially if you are repeatedly lying to DHV and appear more interesting. I have seen how this has become a habit in some, and it is the kind of habit that has the potential to destroy your life.

2 Bragging

Ok, you bought a new Mitsubishi Evolution [Editor: Extremely agile 300 horsepower road rally car], rented a penthouse or just got a hefty pay rise. Let’s assume that you bought the car because you thought it was awesome, but you realize that it has bragging potential. It is ok to brag, but it has to be done with style.

Generally speaking you should not be the one to bring up your status symbols, let the girl find out that you got an amazing car, no need to tell her. If she happens to start talking about fast cars, then of course you can go ahead but don’t try to impress her.

Keep in mind that bragging does not limit itself to status symbols, name dropping, or bragging about famous people you know or have met is often nothing more than a poorly disguised attempt to seem important, especially if that person is only "a friend of a friend".

3 Buying Friends

In the above example, if you actually bought that Mitsubishi Evo with the purpose of impressing chicks and talking about your fantastic car then you are in trouble. Some rich people will hoard things, I have seen this many times even in guys that are not particularly rich, they will collect all sorts of status symbols and gadgets in the belief or hope that it will improve their chances with the other sex and their popularity in general.

It may do so, but the chicks they will attract are mainly the gold diggers, and they are moving into negative feedback loops, Validation Seeking Patterns where their success becomes linked with material wealth. These are the guys that will completely deflate if their wealth suddenly disappears.

This sin also includes the classic AFC traits of buying drinks and expensive gifts.

4 Self Consciousness

a) If you dance in a club, do you hold back because other people "are looking"?

b) If you are walking down the street and pass by a street musician that cannot sing or a performance artist that is really weird, will you feel embarrassed?

c) Do you suffer from significant approach anxiety?

d) If you go to a show, say a standup comedian, do you sit in the back rows because you are afraid that the comedian will point his finger at you or ask you up on stage?

e) Do you have one or more inferiority complexes?

If you answer yes to one or more of these questions it may indicate the presence of Validation Seeking. You have to ask yourself why you feel that particular way, why do you feel embarrassed on behalf of the street musician? You don’t know that guy and frankly you shouldn’t be giving a shit if he is totally out of tune.

Maybe the reason that you feel embarrassed is because you picture yourself in his place and you imagine how others would laugh at you and think that you are a complete loser?

5 Supplication (Qualifying)

a) When you make a statement (or start a thread on this forum) are you worried what other people will say?

b) Will you, in your writing or talking, be very particular in what you say or do, often thinking things through, to avoid offending someone else or getting negative feedback?

c) When interacting with others will you seek frequent eye contact to constantly check the response of the other person, to make sure that person is not offended?

d) Will you avoid making decisions that may hurt others or will you avoid putting yourself in a position (higher responsibility in a company), where you will risk having to hurt others (fire people)?

This sin has been covered in great detail and succumbing to this sin is often referred to as Qualifying yourself to others. Many people will do this their entire lives without ever realizing what they are doing.

It is a very mainstream pattern that divides the alphas from the betas. It is also a very powerful tool in PU and social dynamics in general when used on people that don’t realize what is going on.

6 Outcome Dependency

a) If you are blown out of a set, do you feel anger?

b) Do you measure your success in terms of collected phone numbers or lays and don’t pay much attention to the process involved?

c) Do you count your lays?

d) Did you look for information about the criteria that others believe you should fulfill to call yourself a PUA and does this title mean a lot to you?

Ok, I realize that we all do things to get an outcome, but it’s important to keep in mind that outcome dependency is a bit different. Imagine the following, you realize that being a PUA is really cool and being cool is important to you (validation seeking pattern), so you decide to study PU partly for this reason, obviously you want pussy as well.

Before you start out you already got a clear picture in your mind that you need to become a PUA, this will make you cool, but at the same time you will build significant expectations and you may even start bragging about your plans, selling the bear before it has been shot.

The more you build up expectations the more dependent you become on the outcome, now you have to succeed or else you will fall flat on your face and look like a fool.

7 Neediness

a) If a chick or friend doesn't call or text you for an extended period of time, do you get uncomfortable?

b) Are you frequently checking your hand phone, email or some forum for feedback to your input, getting excited when someone gives that feedback or will you send a message, write an email, start a thread, write a blog or whatever with no other purpose than getting a reaction from others?

c) If you can get away with it (the boss is out of office), do you spend time on MySpace, a forum or emailing/texting instead of doing the job that you are actually paid to do?

Neediness is also linked to the feeling of loneliness. These patterns can be very hard to destroy because they are things that you may be doing many times every day, say access a forum… ahem. In the course of a year you will literally have repeated the pattern hundreds or even thousands of times and it becomes a social habit that is not unlike smoking, going to the toilet or having lunch, it simply becomes part of your daily routine without you even noticing.