The Social Savant vs. The Social Chode

There are those people who were seemingly born to be social savants. They’re comfortable in any group, can intermingle effortlessly, and easily become the talk of the room. At the other extreme are the socially shy. They prefer to stay in small groups or even alone and do their best to fade into the crowd. Then there are people who don't even fit on the comtinuum...or in any social setting actually. They're the social chodes: people who have no clue how to behave in a social setting.

Neil Strauss is famous for his post, “Social Robots.” In it, he describes the phenomenon of people in the community who learn how to game and are always “on,” meaning they can never just relax and be normal. Even in a more subdued setting, they’re in game mode and coming across as nothing short of bizarre.

Rather than fill your heads with more theory, here are some general points to keep in mind when you’re out of the bar or club setting and you’re interacting in your social circle, such as attending a private house party.

The basic principle is to be a value-giver, not a value-taker. Who rejects a free meal? I once won a free can of soup at the supermarket. I never ate the crap, but I happily took it. Winning it made my evening precisely because it was free. On the other hand, no one wants to be around someone who’s after something. Imagine the life of an IRS worker. Each year, a polling company asks Americans which profession they hold in the highest esteem. The IRS has never made the list because they are known for taking. Be a giver and trust that people will repay you. Often they will and in a manner more generous than you’d expect!

Loosely based on Robert Greene’s “The Art of Seduction,” here are the characteristics of social savants:

• The goofball: Make people feel like a kid again, with no responsibilities, repercussions, or insecurities. Note: this is not the same as being a dancing monkey. For a good portrayal of this characteristic and to see the difference, check out Jonah Hill’s character (Seth) in Superbad.

• The Charmer: Say and do things that make people feel good. Tell them what they want to hear (but actually be sincere). Think George Clooney.

• The Charismatic: Makes the difficult seem effortless. Think Martin Luther King, Jr. He put himself in one of the most dangerous of positions…and made it look so easy. (While he's most well-known for his contributions to Civil Rights, few people know how much of a PUA he was...so much so that J. Edgar Hoover tried to blackmail him with audiotapes of his liaisons).

• The Star: Give people a taste of confidence. Pull the socially shy out of their shells. Give her the attention she desperately craves...and she will become addicted to it when you later pull away. Think Tom, the founder of myspace. He's turned millions of women into "stars" and they're addicted to myspace now.

The following are the most common types of social chodes. Don’t be one of these:

• The Cocky Chode: he makes up for his insecurities by faking confidence, but going overboard and looking more like a deluded, hyperactive goat-boy than anything else. The best confidence to shoot for is that relaxed, comfortable-in-your-own-skin confidence…the real stuff, but the boastful b.s. most people eventually see through.

• The Needy Chode: He calls and texts people all the time, asking them what they’re doing and never offering to invite them out to a social event. There's always a give and a take. Don't be a moocher and give people space.

• The Self-righteous Chode: “Women are sluts…and they have AIDS!” He judges everyone and everything, but at the end of the night, he curses the good Lord for another night of masturbation. Having strong religious or spiritual convictions is fine, but don't act like a Pat Robertson. Condemning people left and right for their sins and indiscretions is hardly the definition of cool.

• The Pussy Chode: He never takes any risks. He talks like a seasoned politician, carefully weighing all his words for fear of offending someone or having someone disagree with him. You may wonder if this conflicts with "The Charmer." No, because what separates the two is sincerity and boldness. It’s ok to say something off color once in a while. Look at Borat or Howard Stern and how beloved and successful they are.

• The Mumbling Chode: Project your voice, bitch!! Speak up so people can hear you and actually know that you’re even speaking to them. If you must, ride around in your car with all the windows up and scream at the top of your lungs a few times every day.

• The Sensitive Chode: There’s a time and a place for sensitivity, but not in a social setting where people are teasing and joking around. Don’t fly off the handle or start creating enemies for one small comment that stung a little too much. Pretend you're at a roast. No matter what someone says, you're still the most beloved person in the room.

Remember these guidelines when you're ready to go beyond the pickup persona and actually make some friends (with benefits).