30 Is NOT the New 20...For Women

Jenna Jameson, from the 2008 AVN Awards

Porn fans everywhere who caught the AVN Awards were saddened to hear Jenna Jameson announce her retirement.

"Honesty is key. I will never, ever, ever spread my legs again in this industry again. Ever!"

In response, I issue the following open letter to Jenna:

Jenna, Jenna, Jenna...what happened to you? I remember watching your first adult film with Randy West. You were only 18 and you did it just to piss off your cheating, biker boyfriend. Your performance was hot, intense, and unforgettable. When you ended the scene with a cream pie, porn consumers everywhere were instantly hooked. Since then, you've blazed a trail through the sex industry, putting Wicked Pictures on the map, starting your own porn company (Club Jenna), and signing your likely successor, Krystal Steal. You even penned "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star (with some help from Neil Strauss) which became a New York Times best-seller.

Then, you turned 30 and went Britney Spears on us. You lost Krystal Steal. You got married and divorced, losing much of your fortune to a talentless hack. You ended up having to sell Club Jenna to Playboy, a soft-core company. The beautiful DD bombs that blessed the computer screens of millions got removed by a total butcher of a surgeon. From the looks of the pic below, your tit looks more like a bomb went off in there. You also appear to be addicted to meth again as your weight is so low, you look like you're fighting a terminal illness. Tanning's cool, but orange?! What happened to Jenna's skin? Did it dry up like a raisin in the sun?

I have a theory on the life evolution of women. When they enter puberty and sprout those tits and ass we all love, they receive all this attention from men and quickly learn how much power and influence they can exert by exploiting their sexuality. I imagine it's like giving a million dollars to a child who has no clue what to do with it. So, those teen years for them are tumultuous and confusing, but they also learn how to fine tune their sensuality. Their attractiveness peaks around age 21 where they go buck wild and milk their looks for everything they're worth. Who could blame them? I'd do the same thing. Wouldn't you?

Then those late 20s start creeping up and they're in either one of two boats. Group 1 had kids really young, divorced (or never got married), and spend most of their days trolling Match.com and having endless hook-ups. Group 2 has been going buck wild for a damn long time and are finally looking to settle down because the biological clock is ticking. There's only one problem for both camps: the 30s are coming.

There's something about turning 30 that makes many women snap. Imagine amassing all this wealth over the years to suddenly discover that your bank has sprung a leak and you're losing thousands of dollars every day. What would you do? I imagine a similar panic happens when the 30-year-old woman compares herself with the 20-year-hottie and realizes that her looks are fading. She'll do everything she can to relive her glory days by purchasing all these anti-aging creams, slapping on a pound of makeup, and engaging in cosmetic enhancements from botox to face lifts. Ultimately, her efforts fail and she realizes that she better get a husband...while she still can. Certainly, there are exceptions to this rule, such as Heather Locklear or Halle Berry. They're old and still so damn hot.

Still, for the average woman, hittin the 30s while she's still single is a time of great misery and desperation, despite the bunk they promote on Sex & The City. So, I wasn't surprised to see Jenna self-destruct the past few years following her divorce. There is some happy news, though. Her autobiography is being made into a movie, starring Scarlett Johansson in all her blonde, buxom goodness. Scarlett as the world's most famous porn queen?! 2008's off to a great start!

-The Dicknotist