Today’s mail comes from Pradeep [named changed for anonymity] who mentions a topic not discussed too often in pick-up. Winston Churchill called it, “the black dog” and he coped with copious amounts of work and brandy. Luckily, we have healthier ways of dealing with depression… Hi Dicknotist!
From a thread that I read some time ago, I deduce that you’re a psychiatrist and I’d like to get some advice from you. Don’t you worry I’m not gonna ask you to have therapy by pms. I’ve been all my life an anxious person, this is something that I learned some months ago when I was reading, Attacking anxiety and depression by Lucinda Bassett, I still have a lot of chapters to read. Reading her book I could see that I was described in a lot of aspects: negative self talk, pessimistic, victim, sensitive, etc.
I broke up with my ex-girlfriend about a year and a half ago because I wasn’t attracted to her anymore and because she was somehow my mom, it was the hardest decision I’ve made in my life. I decided after that to become a PUA to have options with women, it’s been a really hard road after a year and a half, I didn’t know that I had to change so many things in my life: ways to see the world, being more optimistic, not being the victim anymore, self-esteem, etc I’m still learning, it’s a looooooong process for me.
Today I was at a party with coworkers and there was a woman that I knew she was attracted to me some time ago, she quit but she came to the party. I decided to apply some techniques on her to see how she reacts, I was mainly applying kino on her. I started to tap her a little bit on her arm, after few minutes I was tapping her hands and I kept escalating stroking her hair, touching her hands until I hugged her at her waist and lifted her blouse to touch some skin, she immediately walked away. She sat in another part of the room but some times she was staring at me, what I consider being an IOI. Then I started to think, what is the best thing to do? what I think is a huge way to create anxiety on myself. I should isolate her, but how? we’re at a party, with people that know both of us, she has a boyfriend, etc. I created a huge snowball in few seconds causing me a total inaction. I noticed that that phrase: what is the best thing to do? , comes to my mind often times when I’m interacting with women and IMO, it’s a sure way to create anxiety, I feel like I have to know what exactly I have to do to have success with a woman, putting all the responsibility of the interactions in my hands, which is impossible, she has a part too.
What I wanted to know is how you handle this kind of situations in a healthy way, you don’t think about consequences of your actions?, but at the same time we have techniques that are supposed to help us in moments like this one. I don’t know if you went to [a Boston Lair] presentation, at one moment [someone] asked [the presenter], how do I isolate a HB in a club that is with friends? He said, grow balls, yeah you’re gonna think, well she is with her friends they can cock block me, etc but you have to do it. Is this all you have to do, and don’t think anymore about it? and definitely living at the present moment?
I’m thinking about seeing a therapist because I’ve been depressed lately because this stuff is really hard for me, but you think that an average therapist could help me with my issues with women? or he could try to give me the nice guy advice to deal with them? I know that you recommend AMP to have a strong inner game, I got the free stuff from them and being honest I’m not that impressed, I think sometimes that I know about what are they talking about, the problem is that my anxiety doesn’t allow me to bring these learnings to the real world and I got stuck with the old negative thoughts.
Thanks in advance, and I’m sorry for such a long pm.
Bye, Leo.
Hey Pradeep,
Thanks for the email. It’s great to know you trust me enough to divulge this personal info.
AMP is designed for people who are mentally healthy overall. They’re not a therapy group and most of them don’t have the training necessary to treat true psychiatric conditions.
Anxiety is one thing; chronic anxiety and depression may signal something deeper for you to work out. I definitely recommend that you get evaluated by a psychiatrist for possible med therapy and a psychologist for some talk therapy. A good psychologist definitely won’t just tell you to “be a nice guy,” at least not if there’s a PhD after his or her name. They have undergone years of training to learn very effective methods of treating anxiety, depression, and a host of other maladies. There’s no reason to suffer in silence. My personal favorite therapy is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which has an avalanche of research supporting its effectiveness. I highly recommend Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by Daniel Burns. I actually use the accompanying workbook, 10 Days to Self-Esteem, with my patients…and myself.
There’s something about guys not liking to ask for help. Too often, I suffer from the same malady. Is it the American culture promoting the rugged individualist as the masculine ideal? Is it man’s tendency to not admit weakness or vulnerability? Who knows, but one thing I know for sure: behind every successful guy is a team of people who helped him along the way and behind every sad story is the guy who chose to go it alone.
By the way, have you any idea how many hot women are in mental health either as employees…or patients?! I have never told this story to anyone before, so look out! Not too long ago, I used to work at a prestigious psychiatric hospital and was having lunch at the cafeteria. As I searched for a table, I spotted this hot brunette solving Sodoku puzzles in one of those little books they sell at supermarkets. Given how hot and well put-together she looked, I assumed she just worked there. I was still in my indirect phase and won her over by reading her palms and analyzing her handwriting. By the time I got her digits, she was as giddy as a school girl. So, I called her up later and set up a Day2. At the date, she told me that her therapist thought it’s a bad idea for her to be seeing someone new. As she proceeded to respond to people who weren’t there, I quickly learned that she was one of the patients! She accused me of tapping her phone and I decided to get the heck out of there! On a scale of 0 to nuts, she was Britney Spears on crack! Seriously, there are plenty of chicks who are sane but working through some things that are ripe for the picking in the waiting room. 
Either way, you’ll always have a fun story to tell.
As for your story with the woman at the party, my sense is you got too sexual with the kino and escalated too quickly. For all the time she’s known you, you’ve been this asexual goodie-goodie. All of a sudden, you’re all over her. That situation likely jarred her and she freaked out. Remember, you’re in public and she has a boyfriend. Imagine if someone from the party told her boyfriend that she let some guy touch her all over at the party. Imagine the amount of hell she’d get…from her boyfriend and perhaps from her former co-workers. Yes, you’ve learned some techniques and that’s great, but always, always, always let your commonsense override what you read in some book or forum. Reputation is king with women, especially in the workplace. If you were in a bar, your kino would have been appropriate but day game settings require much more subtlety and everything slows down. However, what you can’t do with touch can be communicated with the eyes.
The best way to isolate a girl from her friends is to let her ditch them for you. If you “grow some balls” and pit yourself against her friends, you will usually lose. If she is unwilling to ditch her friends and go home with you and you protest, you’ll definitely lose. Pick-up is always a partnership between you and the girl. If she’s truly into you, you don’t have to worry about getting rid of her friends. That’s how you differentiate between a tease and the real deal. In one of my one night stands, I got her digits and left her for the night as her friends swooped down to blow me out. I didn’t fight them. I basically introduced myself and just moved on to another chick. At that point, she left her friends to reopen me and we walked to my car. As we were walking, her friends called her cell; she then turned it off. That’s a real world example. Ask any chick if she’s ever been pissed at her friend for canceling on her to spend time with “some guy.” Be that guy.
Keep in touch and let me know how it goes,
-Dr. Dicknophil
P.S. Yeah, that post was…depressing. So, in true pickup style, let’s end things on a happy, hilarious note:
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