It’s that time of year again. On February 14, millions of couples celebrate their love for each other…by making the restaurant, flower, and greeting card industries rich. The entire notion of a Valentine’s Day is preposterous and insulting. Why do we need an official day to express our love for each other? Shouldn’t every day be Valentine’s Day? One can only wonder where such a ridiculous holiday came from. Certainly, a group of women must have banded together for a meeting. HB1: *sigh* Well, Christmas & New Year’s are over and things are just boring now. It’s cold out and I feel fat!
HB2: I hear ya, girl. We need to make our men cheer us up and show us some attention.
HB1: Well, we could make up something and start a fight over it. Those are always fun! We can stop by the mall, get some new outfits, and ask our guys how we look in them.
HB3: Been there, done that. How about we make up a holiday where we get to dress up and go out and they spend all this money on us and make us feel special! It’ll be like the prom again!
HB1: Ohhhhh girl! That’s sneaky! You alright!! We should make it all official, name it after some saint or something.
Actually, according to Wikipedia, they don’t even know where the holiday came from! There are two theories:
- Valentine of Rome (Valentinus presb. m. Romae): a priest in Rome who suffered martyrdom about AD 269 and was buried on the Via Flaminia. His relics are at the Church of Saint Praxed in Rome and at Whitefriar Street Carmelite Church in Dublin, Ireland.
- Valentine of Terni (Valentinus ep. Interamnensis m. Romae): He became bishop of Interamna (modern Terni) about AD 197 and is said to have been killed during the persecution of Emperor Aurelian. He is also buried on the Via Flaminia, but in a different location than Valentine of Rome. His relics are at the Basilica of Saint Valentine in Terni (Basilica di San Valentino).
Why either of the men mentioned in the excerpt above were chosen to name the Feb. 14 holiday is anyone’s guess, but sometime in the Middle Ages, Valentine’s as we know it today developed to become consistent with medieval ideals of chivalry and courtship. While women certainly take advantage of the holiday, Valentine’s Day was actually created by chodes to protect and foster a monogamous society. Why? Simple: a monogamous society guarantees that every guy, even the chodliest of the chodes will get at least one woman. A promiscuous society results in a situation where a few guys get a slew of the women while chodes have to fight over the fupas, gupas, grand chalupas. Hence, why most chodes take their dates to restaurants; what better way to a “rotund” women’s heart than through her stomach?
However, with more people being single than at any other time in recorded history, there is a quiet movement to “take the holiday back” with “Singles Awareness Day.” In case you didn’t notice, Singles Awareness Day spells out “SAD” to represent all the singles who are down in the dumps for being alone. Wow, how..depressing. In other words, what began as a day for celebrating courtly love and later was overtaken by feminazis to celebrate a silly play, is evolving into a day of loneliness for millions of people. However, it doesn’t have to be that way.
Take back Valentine’s Day back for real. Instead of expressing love for your significant other or getting down in the dumps for being all “alone,” make it a day of love for yourself. Treat it as if it’s your birthday. Go out of your way to make the day extra special and fun for yourself, in your own little way.
Enveloping yourself in your own insecurities blinds you to the wonderful opportunity that Valentine’s presents for PUAs. Single women are as lonely as single men, if not more so, because society looks down more harshly on them. Women who feel down in the dumps and go out in an effort to run from their loneliness are ripe for the picking. Building “comfort” with them is a cinch as lots of them are looking to be consoled. All you have to do is listen, isolate, and stick it in. Massacre that pussy when the time is right.
Happy Valentine’s Day. 
-The Dicknotist
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