Ask The Dicknotist: How to Avoid One Night Stands

I love to read and answer mail and today, we have a very good question.

Hey Dicknotist,

I really like your blog and read it regularly. It has
been really fun and interesting to follow your journey and hear your advice.

I am finally starting to have some success with women but after we sleep
together they tend not to come back for more. I pretty sure that this is because
I'm shit at sex. In short I come too early and its fairly standard sex.

So I was wandering if you have any tips or advice about lasting longer
and generally being great in bed? I know that there are a number of books out
there written by men and women but I would like to hear from your experience as
you are actually out there doing it.

Any help would be greatly
appreciated.

Thanks mate,
[Michael]

Mate? People as far away as Australia are reading my blog now. :) Welcome man.

Well, well, well. One night stands. They're hot, sexy, steamy, amazing - more media lies. I'm not sure how many one night stands I had to have before I finally admitted to myself how much they suck. If a girl isn't good enough to see again, she wasn't good enough to fuck in the first place. At the same time, nothing sucks more than having a hell of a night from a woman and never hearing from her again. Ouch! There's a difference between same night pulls and one nights stands and if you want to avoid the latter, read on.

The key to avoiding one night stands is escalating emotionally: you connect with a woman on a deep level, fully understanding each other's values and how each of you sees the world. You can do this incredibly quickly simply by first getting crystal clear on the character traits you value in a woman and then eliciting her values to screen her for those traits. Different gurus have their own spin on it, but I've been most influenced by IN10SE who demonstrated this tactic at the Conversation Cure seminar. He blew my mind and my game hasn't been the same since. He lays out his technique in a tiny ebook called "Speed Rapport," which is readily available on the black market...I mean internet. ;)

Now, I'm fully aware that I've denigrated "comfort" in past posts. Well, with more field experience comes a necessary shift in perspective. Mystery was right: comfort is necessary to avoid "buyer's remorse." Where I still steadfastly disagree, however, is that it takes seven hours to achieve that level of comfort. In my personal experience, it's more like between thirty minutes and two hours.

Now, let's get to my favorite topic: sex! I actually don't think bad sex is the reason you're not hearing from them again. Let's be realistic. Most men are mediocre in the bedroom. The average guy lasts about 3-4 min, which is pretty bad. The bar is set so low, I find it hard to believe that you're any different than the average guy, yet we know that there are plenty of average joes who can hold on to women. In my experience, forming an emotional bond with her is a much more consistent indicator that you'll see her again rather than just rocking her socks in the bedroom. Read the archives of this blog. I long suffered from the same issue. It took me a solid year to accept this concept. Don't make the same mistake. Even more important, don't beat yourself up over your sexual skills. You'll only create shame around your sexuality and kill your self-confidence. Believe me, in comparison to learning pickup, learning to become good in bed is much easier! Don't worry: I'll steer you in the right direction.

The most important thing about sex that most guys don't know is that it's 90% psychological, 10% physical. In other words, if you're spending your time pouring over Kama Sutra books, you'll never get good in bed. Being good in bed requires that you're dominant, spontaneous, playful, imaginative, generous, and in the moment. The two best materials that that have helped me in this area is "The Sex God Method" by Spiritfingers and "Give Women Wild Screaming Orgasms" by David Shade. Between those two products, you'll have just about everything you need. To mix things up over time (and last longer), though, you'll need to learn about multiple sexual positions, which is why I'd also recommend the 9th DVD in the Lover's Guide series on sexual positions. (Hint: there's a reason I post links on the right hand side of this blog). You need to know some technique and that video is excellent for getting the most out of the three standard positions.

I've read about other products designed to help you last longer from various DVD sets to those awful numbing creams they sell over the counter. Trust me: you want to avoid Mandelay and its competitors. They'll numb you so much you can't get it up and it'll numb her too. Oh, and heaven forbid she sucks you off after you fuck and whip the condom off. That happened once several years ago with a girl I was seeing. Her lips were so numb, you thought she just had dental surgery! :) Stay away!

The best way to learn how to last longer is to become acutely aware of the sensations in your groin area and when you're about to cum. Now, sex can be a particularly anxious situation for many guys, so you may want to practice on your own with masturbation first. Before you hit that "point-of-no-return," stop and do something else. You can change positions, pull out and eat her out, pull out and rub your cock against her clit, lick and suck her nipples, etc. No matter what you do, the principle is the same: quit thrusting and do something else till you've calmed down enough to thrust again. A lot of times, all you need is a couple of seconds. If you just stop and rub her clit and then start again, she probably won't notice or care. Over time, you'll train yourself to know when to hold back in time and your cock will naturally last longer in response.

A more devious trick is to use Viagra, Cialis, or Levitra. True, these drugs are designed to help you maintain and achieve erection, but a secret is they help you achieve another erection after cumming very rapidly. They kill the so called "refractory period." So, I imagine you could technically cum and just keep thrusting. You'll often stay hard or just get hard so quickly, it's like you're having multiple orgasms.

An alternate strategy few guys consider is rather than lasting longer, make her cum quicker, usually by stimulating her clit as you thrust. ;) You can use a cock ring and mash it into her clit while you fuck her. That'll shave off a few minutes and give her a nice, blended orgasm. Overtime as you get to know her body better, you'll know exactly what to do to get her off at a reasonable amount of time.

Let me know how it goes.

-Big D