Dicknotism Knows Best

The zipless fuck is absolutely pure. It is free of ulterior motives. There is no power game . The man is not "taking" and the woman is not "giving." No one is attempting to cuckold a husband or humiliate a wife. No one is trying to prove anything or get anything out of anyone. The zipless fuck is the purest thing there is. And it is rarer than the unicorn.

-Erica Jong in her novel, The Fear of Flyin

One of my favorite blogs is Khiem's Kiss N'Tale, which recently had a thought-provoking post entitled "Women Do Know." The post features a fascinating IM discussion with an older woman who clearly subscribes to the old-school, coquette school of seduction. She essentially argues that an intense, slow-burning seduction over weeks or months is preferred over quick lays because "if u jump the guys' bones too soon, u depreciate it." In other words, a woman who sleeps with a man quickly loses value and the man doesn't respect her the next day.

The slut stigma is alive and well and her concern is very valid. There are many guys who will jump a girls' bones quickly if given the opportunity and judge her harshly for it afterwards. I believe this is related to the part of the male ego that has to feel special...like he accomplished something great by bedding a woman he desires. However, how special can he be if she's just a skank who sleeps with every guy on the first date? When you're having sex for self-esteem rather than for pleasure, that's the mentality that results. In all likelihood, she probably doesn't sleep with anybody and everybody. Otherwise, a lot of pick-up and dating coach companies would go out of business. She probably slept with him because she was attracted to him. I can't imagine a greater compliment, but as the saying goes, "no good deed goes unpunished."

The part of the post I take issue with, however, is where Khiem agrees with her and criticizes the mindset behind PUAs who prefer to lay girls quickly.

I sometimes feel that parts of the Pick-Up Community encourages guys to bed women too quickly. It’s probably stemming from the “fake it until you make it” mentality: “Oh no… I better bed that girl soon before she finds out I’m really not that cool of a guy.”

For some guys, this is an unhealthy mindset to uphold. I understand that laying a lot of women quickly is a lifestyle choice but it has to be something you desire. For the majority of “nice guys” who are just trying to improve their dating success, there is NOTHING wrong with taking your time. The psychology of attraction is the same whether you take 1 night to get the girl or 3 months to do so.

Khiem has a legitimate point. Having a mindset that you need to bed her quickly is a terrible inner game issue to have, but only guys who suck at quick lays will have that problem. The guy who looks for a quick close out of a fear of loss reeks of desperation and that, in turn, guarantees he'll fail.

This example perfectly illustrates the difference between inner and outer game. If you just observe what I do, you'll see that I strongly prefer quick lays. However, with inner game, you have to consider the motivation behind those quick lays.

Quick lays are the pinnacle of strong inner game. Too often, guys hold back in their interactions with women out of a fear of going too far, offending her, and getting rejected. Imagine the level of confidence it takes to smoothly and comfortably escalate all the way to sex without worrying whether she'll still be into you the next morning or if her attraction for you is legitimate.

I agree with the woman in the IM conversation that sexual tension should be built and intensified over several months. The difference is that for her, sex is the end. For me, sex is the very beginning. It only gets better with time, so why postpone having the very best sex together? Start early, learn each other's bodies, and take yourself to heights of ecstasy the drug couldn't replicate.

-The Dicknotist