"Hopefully, She Got Some Teeth"

Above is the trailer for a new movie coming out in January 2008 called "Teeth." Here's the synopsis from the official website of the film:

High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group's most active participant. Her task is made even more difficult by her bad boy stepbrother Brad's increasingly provocative behavior at home. A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she as a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence. As she struggles to comprehend her anatomical uniqueness, Dawn experiences both the pitfalls and the power of being a living example of the vagina dentata myth.

So, what is this myth? Vagina dentata is Latin for toothed vagina. Back in the day, they used to tell a cautionary tale to young boys about a guy who had sex with a woman whose vagina had teeth; she then proceeded to castrate him.

South Park fans will remember a faint, but classic reference to this myth in the episode, "Red Hot Catholic Love," which pokes fun at the Catholic Church priest sex abuse. In one scene, a collection of priests, bishops and cardinals are discussing the scandal, and the head of the Gelgamek Catholics angrily objects to Father Maxi's suggestion of discouraging molestation of young boys by allowing priests to have sex with women. In response, he bellowed, "The Gelgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth! Do you really expect us to have sex with them?" Hence the purpose of telling such ridiculous myths - to discourage sex by shaming people's desires. It is no surprise that this "toothed vagina" myth perfectly symbolizes many of the anxieties and insecurities that can screw up a guy during sex: looking weak, being vulnerable, getting hurt, or being impotent.

Now, here's the twist: there is actually some truth to the myth. Vaginas can have teeth...if they have dermoid cysts. Dermoid cysts are derived from the outer layers of embryonic skin and can sprout anywhere, including the vagina. They can also grow anything that comes from the outer layers of the embryo, including hair, bones, and teeth.

Here's a hypothetical: if you had a woman with these cysts, wouldn't you want to fuck it just out of curiosity? What if instead of biting or nicking you, they'd actually enhance sex, sort of like how a well-placed tongue ring can make a regular blow job an unforgettable one. It's almost like getting from a girl with braces. Would it help or hinder? Would my cum stay lodged in her braces and she'd have to pick it out with a toothpick at my amusement?

Well, if that trailer can stir up this many scenarios, I'm sure the film will give more fodder for thought.

-The Dicknotist